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10 Days In- A journey through grief (14)

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 7:10 PM

Being here without him just seems so unbelievably wrong. Words cannot express the aching in my heart. I spent the last few days trying to find letters, cards, emails…anything that he wrote to me. I call our number just to hear his voice on the machine. So much of me wants to just stay in bed and cry until it’s my turn to go with him. I force myself to get up every morning, as well as during the night with Anna, and try my best to take good care of the children while maintaining the household. I know our babies are looking to me to bring them through this but all I want is Derek back, a hug, a smile, an “I love you Jeannie”. I’m no good at being me without my better half. Anna misses her Daddy too. She still gets so excited when she sees his picture. She is traumatized by his absence and cries whenever I leave the room, like she’s afraid she’ll lose me too. Nick has been acting out lately so I’ve been trying to make more one on one discussion time for him. He was Derek’s little sidekick, his mirror image always bubbly and smiling. This loss has him confused and angry. Jeanne seems sad but otherwise okay and always clear with others about the fact that her Daddy is “in good hands”. Her selfless simple assessment of his death brings me comfort every time I hear it. Matthew is visibly sad all the time and is often looking to me for direction on how to act and what to do. The family dynamics are all out of whack and we navigate each day cautiously trying to find our places in this new highly stressful environment. We’ve had a family discussion about the rules still remaining the same as they’ve always been even though Daddy can’t be here anymore. We’ve discussed that my expectations of them as individuals are no different now than before. I want them to try their best at school, keep their rooms clean and be kind to others. Matthew in particular has struggled with that. Apparently family members gave him a discussion about being “the man of the house now”. They told him he needed to help with the other children and take care of me. I can’t imagine what they were thinking?! He’s eleven and has just experienced a devastating loss. He cannot and is not expected to take on any adult roles in the household nor does he need to suddenly become a caretaker for me. Do you know what kind of burden that is to put on a child especially when their father has just passed away from an unknown illness? He’s terrified for me to go anywhere or do anything and somehow now feels like it‘s his obligation to keep me safe. I discussed it with him again today, I reassured him that I am fine and I’m not expecting anything new from him. I urged him to please let me know when something is bothering him and not keep it bottled up. I reassured him that I am, as I’ve always been, here for him as well as his siblings and that I will make sure everyone is well taken care of.


Categories: A Journey Through Grief

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