Design Your Beautiful Life Coaching 

-Texts from Heaven 

Blog

Blog

I felt a funeral in my Brain - A journey through grief (13)

Posted on March 22, 2016 at 10:50 AM

I’m laying here in my bed staring at the clock, eyes swollen from last nights’ tears and head pounding. Today is Dereks’ funeral, I know I need to get up and get the children ready. I know we need to do this today but I feel like curling up in a ball and hiding here all day. I dread the service, seeing his casket being wheeled into the church as I have so many loved ones before. Knowing I won’t see him after today. I know what it was like for me losing my parents as an adult and the thought of my small children experiencing their fathers’ funeral today makes me feel physically ill. My mind is racing, how will they react, will they sit quietly through the service, what can I do to help them cope today? A small voice entering the room pulls me from my inner chaos, “good morning mommy”. Nicholas climbs into my bed and curls up beside me. His chubby red cheeks, blond hair and big blue eyes seem to light up the room. I snuggle him to me and kiss his head as he whispers “ I love you Mommy”. “ I love you too Nickel” I whisper back and mean it more than he could ever know. That little boy has perfect timing and has just given me the motivation I needed to make it through this day.

We arrive at the funeral parlor to say our final goodbyes before the casket is closed and transported to the church. I look at the older children as we enter, all very well dressed and composed. Then to Anna who’s sound asleep in her carrier which seems heavier to me today than ever before. This place makes the older children uncomfortable and they cling to my side. I explain why we’re here and what will happen next. We enter the room with Derek and say a prayer then each say our goodbyes. My heart is breaking and I want to scream but I maintain the same blank composure that has become my new normal. I console the children, who are now softly crying as we make our way back to the lobby. The room is now full of firefighters and funeral personnel. “The firetrucks are ready mam if we are okay to proceed” one of them mutters as he approaches. I give my permission and a large portion of them move to the other room. Troy offers to carry Anna for me and says we can ride in Dereks’ engine over to the church if we’d like. I turn to the children to gage their reaction then quickly agree to the transportation offered. We are then escorted outside, its freezing and we can see every breath we take. I pull the children a bit closer in an attempt to keep them warmer. There are multiple firetrucks lined up along main street, behind them several rows of firefighters preparing to walk the procession and following them many cars which have gathered for the procession as well. Hollis Engine 2 sits idling first in line at the end of the ramp. We move off to the side as Dereks’ casket is carried out by his friends in full formal firefighter attire. We watch as they place the casket atop the engine then all mount the step sides for the drive. We are then led into the cab of Engine 2 which Bo is driving. He looks at me knowingly and quietly says “you’ve got this”. He helps us in and pulls Matt close so he can get a good view on our ride. The procession to the church leads us past Fairfield Fire Department which has Dereks’ gear and helmets from Hollis, Waterville and Fairfield displayed across the entrance with someone standing guard. I drift off for a moment, moved by the level of support and respect from his fellow firefighters and hope that Derek sees the now obvious impression he made. As the engine halts I realize we have arrived. We wait for Derek to be carried into the entry way first and then we enter the church. We stand beside the casket like statues as all of the attendees walk past us. I watch their faces as they pass, many crying hysterically, others cheeks wet while silent tears roll past and yet others dry eyed looking at us with pity like some sort of side show. I look at the silent children beside me their faces dry except for an occasional tear which is quickly wiped away. I see their pain through their stoic gazes and that brings a tear to my eye. I instantly quell all emotion and regain focus. After everyone has been seated we follow the casket to the front of the church and are seated directly beside it. I’m pleased the see the priest that Derek liked is the one that will be doing todays mass. He’s vibrant and loud which is probably why Derek liked him so much. He does a really good job describing Derek and the service itself goes very smoothly. The children, including the baby, remain silent throughout the entire mass. I place my hand on his casket as it is being removed from the church hoping to feel something from him even a glimmer of the wonderful energy he always brought into the room. But he’s not there, not in that box and no longer in that body. I feel nothing but the now resident sinking feeling deep down in my chest. We arrive home to what seems like truckloads of flowers being dropped off from the funeral parlor. All the flower arrangements that had surrounded his casket were now in my living room. The funeral director has a painting in hand that they had done of Derek which he gives me as a gift. He comments on the behavior of the children saying he has never seen that before well except on film of Kennedys funeral. That I should be proud of them and how well I’ve raised them thus far. His words fall empty on me as I thank him and take the painting from his hands. I switch a painting in the living room with the one I was just given and thank him again as he leaves. In an effort to stay busy and make space I start arranging the flowers on the front porch. Within moments others are helping me do so as well. The flowers are everywhere hanging on the railings, from the pillars along the floor boards. It’s done and I’m exhausted. My niece offers to watch the children if I want to go lay down for a bit. I gladly accepted that offer and head to my room. As I close the door behind me I lean back against it and slide to the floor. Tears flow like a river from my eyes and the pit in my stomach seems to swell. I climb up onto my bed and curl up under the covers rocking myself gently praying for sleep. As my prayers are answered I see Derek. He’s reprimanding me for putting the flowers on the porch. We live on a main road and he’s saying it’s like putting a sign up that the man of the house died and welcoming predators. I feel as if I’ve been startled awake and my very brief nap is now over. The reprimand from my dream still fresh in my mind I head downstairs and directly outside. My family looks on perplexed as I begin to bring all the flowers back inside. I’m sure they think I’ve lost my mind. I reluctantly offer my explanation to them and they assist me in my chore.

 

Categories: A Journey Through Grief

Post a Comment

Oops!

Oops, you forgot something.

Oops!

The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

151 Comments

Reply air jordan
10:18 AM on August 24, 2021 
I simply had to thank you so much all over again. I'm not certain the things that I would have worked on without the type of aspects shared by you over this subject. It was an absolute distressing crisis in my opinion, but viewing the very professional fashion you processed the issue forced me to cry with gladness. Extremely thankful for the work as well as pray you are aware of a powerful job that you are carrying out instructing people today with the aid of a web site. I am sure you haven't come across any of us.
air jordan http://www.jordanshoes.us
Reply birkin bag
10:19 AM on August 24, 2021 
Thanks so much for giving everyone an exceptionally pleasant chance to discover important secrets from here. It is often so kind and also stuffed with a good time for me and my office co-workers to visit your site at the very least thrice in a week to find out the latest secrets you have. Not to mention, we are usually amazed with your fantastic techniques you give. Some 3 tips in this posting are particularly the very best I've ever had.
birkin bag http://www.hermesbirkinbags.us.com
Reply bape hoodie
10:19 AM on August 24, 2021 
I simply desired to thank you very much all over again. I am not sure the things I would've done in the absence of the type of techniques shown by you on that subject. It seemed to be an absolute terrifying concern in my opinion, nevertheless being able to view your expert approach you handled the issue took me to cry for contentment. Now i am thankful for this guidance and even wish you know what a powerful job you are putting in instructing other individuals thru your web page. More than likely you haven't come across any of us.
bape hoodie http://www.bapehoodie.us
Reply kyrie 5
10:19 AM on August 24, 2021 
I simply wanted to write a message to be able to say thanks to you for all the marvelous points you are giving on this site. My extensive internet look up has finally been rewarded with sensible know-how to exchange with my company. I 'd claim that most of us readers actually are quite fortunate to exist in a good network with so many brilliant professionals with great tips. I feel truly blessed to have used your website and look forward to some more thrilling minutes reading here. Thanks once again for everything.
kyrie 5 http://www.kyrie5.org
Reply supreme
10:20 AM on August 24, 2021 
Thank you for each of your effort on this web site. My mom delights in engaging in investigations and it's easy to see why. My partner and i learn all concerning the dynamic ways you deliver rewarding strategies through your website and as well recommend contribution from the others about this area then my daughter is in fact understanding a lot of things. Enjoy the rest of the new year. You have been conducting a brilliant job.
supreme http://www.supremesoutlet.us.com
Reply off white outlet
10:20 AM on August 24, 2021 
My wife and i felt absolutely fulfilled John managed to finish up his inquiry through the precious recommendations he grabbed while using the web pages. It is now and again perplexing just to always be giving out hints the others may have been selling. And we also understand we need the website owner to appreciate for this. The entire illustrations you made, the simple website navigation, the friendships you will assist to foster - it is everything astonishing, and it's really letting our son and our family reckon that the subject matter is brilliant, and that's wonderfully essential. Many thanks for everything!
off white outlet http://www.offwhiteoutlet.us.org
Reply kyrie 7
10:21 AM on August 24, 2021 
Thank you so much for giving everyone an extraordinarily terrific opportunity to discover important secrets from here. It is usually so great plus jam-packed with fun for me and my office co-workers to visit the blog on the least 3 times per week to study the newest issues you will have. And indeed, I'm so always motivated concerning the special tricks you serve. Certain 2 tips in this posting are in reality the most effective I've ever had.
kyrie 7 http://www.kyrie7.us
Reply off white nike
10:21 AM on August 24, 2021 
Thanks for your whole hard work on this web site. My niece delights in conducting internet research and it's really simple to grasp why. We all notice all concerning the dynamic medium you deliver informative tactics by means of the blog and in addition attract contribution from website visitors on this topic so our own simple princess is actually discovering a great deal. Enjoy the remaining portion of the new year. You're performing a terrific job.
off white nike http://www.offwhite.us.com
Reply jordan 12
12:54 AM on August 26, 2021 
I simply needed to say thanks once more. I do not know the things that I might have followed in the absence of the actual aspects discussed by you about such a theme. It was before a real traumatic dilemma in my circumstances, however , looking at this specialized technique you resolved that forced me to leap over gladness. Extremely happy for this help and as well , hope that you comprehend what an amazing job you are always carrying out instructing men and women via your web site. Most likely you haven't encountered all of us.
jordan 12 http://www.jordan12.us.com
Reply curry 7
12:55 AM on August 26, 2021 
I have to express some thanks to this writer just for rescuing me from such a dilemma. Just after browsing through the search engines and coming across advice that were not productive, I figured my entire life was done. Living minus the answers to the difficulties you have solved through your entire review is a serious case, as well as the ones which may have in a wrong way affected my entire career if I hadn't come across your site. The understanding and kindness in dealing with almost everything was invaluable. I am not sure what I would've done if I had not encountered such a solution like this. I'm able to at this time relish my future. Thanks a lot so much for this high quality and amazing help. I won't hesitate to suggest your blog post to anybody who will need guide about this area.
curry 7 http://www.curry7shoes.us
Reply kyrie shoes
12:55 AM on August 26, 2021 
Thank you so much for providing individuals with an exceptionally special chance to read articles and blog posts from here. It is often so great plus full of a great time for me personally and my office co-workers to visit the blog the equivalent of three times in one week to read the newest secrets you will have. Not to mention, I'm also always satisfied for the wonderful creative ideas served by you. Certain 3 points on this page are essentially the most efficient we have had.
kyrie shoes http://www.kyrieirvingshoes.us.com
Reply kawhi leonard shoes
12:59 AM on August 26, 2021 
Thanks for your whole efforts on this web site. My aunt enjoys going through internet research and it's simple to grasp why. All of us learn all relating to the lively means you render vital items on your website and therefore boost participation from visitors on this area of interest while my girl is starting to learn a great deal. Take advantage of the rest of the year. You are carrying out a splendid job.
kawhi leonard shoes http://www.kawhileonardshoes.us
Reply Stromectol
1:01 AM on August 28, 2021 
comprar cialis seguro
Reply propecia regrowth
12:13 PM on August 28, 2021 
Difference Between Amoxixillin And Keflex
Reply curry shoes
4:22 AM on August 29, 2021 
Needed to draft you that very little observation in order to give many thanks yet again for your marvelous things you've featured above. It's really seriously generous of you to offer unreservedly all some people would've advertised for an ebook to end up making some cash for themselves, specifically considering the fact that you could possibly have tried it in the event you considered necessary. Those points additionally acted to become great way to fully grasp that other people online have the identical keenness the same as my own to grasp more and more concerning this problem. I believe there are numerous more pleasurable moments in the future for individuals that start reading your blog.
curry shoes http://www.curryshoes.us.com
Reply yeezy
4:23 AM on August 29, 2021 
I want to express some thanks to you for rescuing me from this type of challenge. Because of surfing around throughout the the web and obtaining things which are not beneficial, I figured my entire life was gone. Living without the strategies to the problems you've fixed all through this guideline is a serious case, and the kind that might have in a negative way damaged my entire career if I had not come across your blog post. Your own skills and kindness in dealing with the whole thing was invaluable. I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't encountered such a stuff like this. I am able to now look ahead to my future. Thanks very much for this expert and results-oriented help. I won't hesitate to refer the sites to anybody who would like counselling on this subject matter.
yeezy http://www.yeezy350boost.us.com
Reply supreme clothing
4:25 AM on August 29, 2021 
I must get across my respect for your generosity supporting those people that must have guidance on the subject matter. Your very own dedication to passing the solution across ended up being particularly powerful and have regularly enabled workers much like me to get to their targets. Your new helpful help and advice implies so much to me and substantially more to my mates. Thank you; from each one of us.
supreme clothing http://www.supremes-clothing.com
Reply lebron 16
4:25 AM on August 29, 2021 
I am just commenting to let you be aware of of the extraordinary experience our girl gained visiting your web page. She noticed such a lot of issues, which include what it is like to have a marvelous teaching spirit to make a number of people with no trouble fully understand some extremely tough topics. You actually surpassed our expectations. I appreciate you for delivering the essential, healthy, informative and even cool tips on that topic to Ethel.
lebron 16 http://www.lebron16.us
Reply supreme hoodie
4:25 AM on August 29, 2021 
I wish to show my appreciation for your kindness giving support to individuals who must have guidance on this particular situation. Your special dedication to passing the message along appeared to be unbelievably important and has constantly helped those like me to get to their pursuits. Your own informative suggestions indicates a whole lot to me and far more to my office colleagues. Thanks a ton; from each one of us.
supreme hoodie http://www.supremes-clothing.com
Reply golden goose outlet
4:25 AM on August 29, 2021 
I needed to post you this little bit of note to finally say thanks over again for these wonderful suggestions you've discussed on this website. This has been simply surprisingly generous with people like you giving easily just what many people could possibly have distributed as an ebook to help make some bucks on their own, specifically since you might have tried it if you decided. The pointers additionally acted to be a great way to fully grasp other people online have the identical eagerness like my personal own to understand significantly more on the topic of this matter. I'm sure there are several more enjoyable instances up front for individuals who take a look at your blog.
golden goose outlet http://www.golden-goose.us