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This Can't be happening - A journey through grief (5)

Posted on March 3, 2016 at 9:50 AM

A swarm of hospital staff surrounded you as they lowered you from the ambulance. I managed to get beside you to hold your hand, to my surprise you squeezed mine so tightly. I felt your fear, your pain and I wished I could take it away. I stayed by you as we were taken to the ICU unit. Once there however you were taken into the room behind two very large glass doors and I was made to wait outside as they worked to get you connected to far too many machines. While I stood there I recounted all the things I had overheard in the ambulance. Your heart was working great without blood pressure meds, you were not completely sedated which is why you were gaging on the tube inserted into your throat and they’d be happy once you were there and connected something more stable. A doctor approached and startled me from my thoughts. He escorted me to the waiting room and started telling me how “sick” you were. (I guess I had “I’m stupid” on my forehead or something). He proceeded to tell me that if you did not start responding to the antibiotics and antiviral medications that you had roughly three days left. He began a barrage of questions. Had we been out of the country? Had we been in contact with anyone who had? Did we have birds? Did we have pets that were sick? The questions seemed to go on forever and all I wanted to do is get back beside you. I told him that you were an EMT and I had no idea what illnesses you had been around other than the family case of influenza earlier in the month. He continued on with what seemed like very random inquiries. Amidst all the questions however I remembered something strange that had happened to you recently. Two weeks prior you had received a threat from someone who purchased a book from you on Ebay. The threat was way out in left field, he was obviously crazy and what was even more strange is that he subsequently sent a second payment for it in the mail that you had to refund. Could he have sent something in the envelope to make you sick? I found myself speaking those thoughts to the doctor who was quickly on his way to discuss our conversation with a group of roughly seven doctors that had formed just outside your room. They looked in at you and spoke as if you were some sort of test subject. “Thirty two year old male, previously healthy other than the loss of his spleen, body deteriorating, not responding to treatment will die soon if we cannot determine the cause of his illness.” I could easily distinguish those that were interns and those that were intended to train them. One in particular stood out, he was loud, insensitive and oblivious to the fact that I was standing right beside them. My thoughts of asking permission to enter the room turned to “I’m going in” they’ll kick me out if they need to.

My heart sank as I approached the bed. You were completely sedated, had IVs in both arms and a tube down your throat. I pulled a chair up beside you, rested my head on your shoulder and held your hand. I told you we’d get through this and that I’d be right there with you every step of the way.

 

Categories: A Journey Through Grief

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